Rewrite #ABCs🚦 & Flip the Script on Relationships

At 35, I learned why I feared commitment.

Why I said yes to second, third or any more dates when I really wanted to say no.

Why I drank to feel nothing, and how it affected everything.

Ten questions narrowed down my childhood;

Emotional, sexual, and verbal abuse.

I knew being a kid was tough, but had no idea I had been dealt ACEs.

Adverse Childhood Experiences;

Moments from my past that shaped my present and continue to influence my future.

Facing my ACEs helped me understand why I had no ABCs.

Being told how to feel taught me to mistrust myself.

I had no awareness that I could have boundaries or should require consent.

What was consent?

My boundaries were crossed every day.

I had no privacy or choice, just rules and punishment.

Now that I know my ABCs and have become my own Trusted Adult,

I’m introducing others to theirs.

Next time you’re triggered by something said or done…

Stop for Awareness:

Catch yourself in the act. This will be undeniably tough because taking accountability feels like you’re admitting that you’ve been “doing it wrong” the whole time, but that’s okay. The only right that matters is right now and the choices you make to feel good, starting with the moment that threw you off and fired you up. Stop. Stop yelling, stop talking, stop listening, stop. If you can’t physically leave the scene, take a deep breath to take back control over the only thing you can, yourself. Get back in your body by taking three deep breaths, one longer than the next, all while concentrating on your breath. If you have time, ask yourself: What made me angry/sorry/lonely? Why did I react the way I did? How could I have responded?

Slow Down to set Boundaries:

With awareness of why you were triggered, you can now determine if there are boundaries in place to prevent it from happening again or if there should be. Look at the person or situation from all sides. Put yourself in their shoes, why do you think they said or did what was said or done? To get your attention? To gain control over the situation? To be seen and heard? Are you being given the same rights? Is it possible for everyone to get what they want? If not, how can boundaries be set to maintain healthy relationships?

Go Forward with Consent:

When boundaries are not communicated, agreed upon and respected, consent is often lost. Silence can be mistaken for consent, leading to hookups that would’ve never happened had a simple “Wanna do this?” been asked and causing countless victims to be blamed for not knowing they had a choice to have a choice. Knowing you do and moving forward with intention in your relationships allows ease to flow because no one is fighting for control but instead continuously reminded that the relationship is founded on mutual respect of each others’ ABCs.

Want to know your ABCs?

I’M MARCELLA — A TRUSTED ADULT MENTOr — READY TO SUPPORT YOUR REUNION WITH YOUR INSIDE KID.

Remember… ACEs are only half the story, knowing your ABCs offers wholeness.